Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Whatever You Want

sitting round the table
toasting to old love
wondering if we'll make it through this year
People say it's so damn easy
you just have to believe
well I'm sorry baby
i cannot see that way

it takes a lot to be untruthful
but more to speak your mind
so I say maybe
this might end in time

Whatever you want
whatever you need
Just pretend it's love
and we'll be happy again

We talk about our parents
and which one's won't pull through
the stupid mistakes
as family's come unglued
He said i used to love you
i don't know why I stopped
I'm sorry baby
there must be something wrong
Whatever you want
whatever you need
Just pretend it's love
and we'll be happy again

Yeah I like this
I could stay all night
Listening to you talk
Across the flicker of light
sounding like an Angel
"Whatever You Want" Lover's Electric

Last night Catie and I started on a bottle of Jack then we headed towards the garage to grab the gasoline. Two tipsy girls. A lighter. A five gallon container of gasoline. A pile of wood. Good combination? Maybe not...but we thought so.

Thirty minutes later, after I managed to scorch the yard, kick over my drink, and notice Catie's sudden case of the "texts", I decided to call it quits.

Apparently, her best friend was on a double date with Catie's asshole of an ex and his fiance. Great. I can see the crocodile tears coming, and I brace myself for the tsunami of estrogen that's about to flood Louisville.

Think, self, think. Got it. I burn the best cd's in the world. I'll grab an old one and stick it in the player in a desperate attempt to bring back memories of happier times. I press play and...
"Please come sit on my lap!"
"I'm good here! What do you want to say?"
"Sit on my lap!!!"
"No Catie! Haha, I'm fine here!"

No. At this point she's had three or four glasses of Jack, and I've sobered up trying to build this fire. I'm not in the mood for any human contact whatsoever. Boozie, on the otherhand, wants to cuddle. She wants to cry and blow her nose all over me. Any other time I'd laugh, give her a bear hug, and talk things out. But Jesus, I just want to get away from tears.

They are everywhere lately. The first two weeks I spent in Tennessee--nothing but rain. As soon as the rain stopped, Heather's episodes got a little worse. As soon as Heather's mania commenced, I had to see my father. Seeing my father meant childhood flashbacks, but more than that, it meant seeing him fail as a father twice. Not just for Heather and I but for the little boy he's supposed to be fathering now. Seeing my father also meant Mammaw's cancer. Mammaw's cancer meant Aunt Michelle's confused hour long lectures about nothing, nothing but shit. Aunt Michelle's lectures bring everyone's insanity to the surface. And everyone's insanity leads me home to my room. My laptop is in my room and all of a sudden I'm talking to Caitlin again. Good plan...that is until Marlene, pronounced Mar-LENNY, tells her girlfriend she's not comfortable with us talking.

So here I am...just hanky-ing around. I seriously feel like a hanky. I'm here for everyone to blow their snot on me. And here I am, having plenty of things I could allow to immobilize me, but I just feel like moving. Why is everyone else stopped?

Catie cries. Caitlin cries. Aunt Michelle cries. Dad cries. Mom cries. Heather cries. Miriam cries.
And all of a sudden my whole world is flooded, and I'm sitting here annoyed as hell wondering why everyone is so fucking emotional when we have every opportunity to create our own happiness.

As for being insensitive...I am. But if I was as "tender" as I usually am, I'd be overwhelmed right now. So, my skin's a little thicker this week. Bring on the new year.